Quarantine diary

My spring semester of my first year in college was going on really well. I was a part of clubs and sorority, a student worker, and a hard working student. Like every other college student, I was waiting for the spring break ever since the winter break was over. I was counting days when finally it was March 5, the day when I was to fly to Louisiana to spend my spring break with my friend!

Before the spring break kicked off, I was too occupied with the mid-terms and so I had been cut off from all that was going on around the world. I had no idea that the world was on the verge of facing something that would challenge the entire human race. To me, it was like any other January but to thousands of people around the world it would be the last January they would live or see their families.

The first week of spring break was great! I was traveling to places, trying good food whenever and wherever possible, and making memories. When all this was going on, I was well aware of the virus COVID-19, the novel coronavirus that hit the human race like lightning. Wherever I went, I always made sure I was safe and was not doing anything that could cost me my health. The news about how the virus was ripping off the global community was all around. With the growing number of cases every single day in the world, the first thing that would come to my mind every single day I woke up was, “Is my family safe?”

I live in the United States. I have been living here since last August when I started my undergraduate studies here in the US. My plans in life were simple; live as much as I can and learn as much as possible. My family lives in Nepal. I think of them every single day. For all the sacrifices they have made for me to explore my potential I can never thank them enough. They have numerous dreams for me, which I have promised to fulfill. My father wants such a day to come when he is finally done with all the work and is traveling far and wide. He wants to ride the streets of different parts of the world in bicycle all the while feeling the breeze pass through him. I have promised myself that I will make this happen very soon. I have promised myself that I will give both my parents all that they could have but sacrificed for the sake of me and my brother. I have promised myself to stand by their side my entire life and always make them smile. With the pandemic slowly spreading it kills me to know that there is a possibility that these promises will never be fulfilled. What then?

I belong to a middle class family. Both of my parents work hard for us to have a decent life. Even when the virus was already making its mark around the world and people were starting to isolate themselves in their houses, it was normal for my parents to reach the office every single day by 8 am, go to places far and wide for business purposes, work until 8 or 9 pm, and return home. When this was going on, I called them every single day in the morning saying that they should stop working for some days, take the matter seriously, and be at home for at least a month. Would they listen? No. They have been telling themselves that the pandemic cannot harm them as much and there is no reason to panic. While it is true that it is not wise to panic during times of crisis, it is also true that my parents are as vulnerable to the virus as anyone else. Now that the Nepal government has ordered a lock down, they finally are staying at home. This is all that I want form them right now. This finally makes me think that maybe, just maybe, my family is safe, and that I can go back to them as planned this December to spend some time with them.

Being citizens of developing countries comes with various costs. One of them is that the country is not always able to safeguard their citizens against a pandemic as the one caused by the novel coronavirus. The government of Nepal, as I have seen in the most of my life, has always had difficulty with effective planning. It also does not have enough number of well-functioning hospitals and health centers for people to visit to if they get infected with the virus. As of today, there are only 3 beds in the ICU at the leading hospital for the treatment of the virus. Since the testing kit for the virus is very expensive and has to be ordered in bulk, hospitals do not have it in sufficient amount. If hundreds of people are to get infected with the virus, they will not have enough treatment options to help them survive. The very thought of this is scary. Till today, three cases of the novel coronavirus has been reported in Nepal. Although the number seems to be very small, there are a lot of chances for the number to go up really quick and if that happens Nepal will have grave difficulty protecting its citizens.

While I am worried of my family in Nepal, I am also worried about how to get back to daily life after the pandemic. The economy of US is getting the greatest hit since the Great Depression. Thousands of people are losing their jobs and businesses. Whenever I see my seniors graduating this semester and the next semester, I see the internal struggle they are going through right now. They worry that they will lose the internship opportunity they finally got after months of applying to tens of companies. They worry that they will not be able to work the job they were once willing to because of all the socio-economic changes that are yet to come. I feel them. We, international students, have our future at stake and it looks like there is nothing much the world can do today to safeguard our future.

Besides all the worries the novel coronavirus pandemic has caused me and several other people, it has brought a lot of other changes. Although the changes have mostly been unwanted, there are some that have benefitted us. People are staying at their homes, spending time with their loved ones, helping each other, acting responsible, and hopefully, reflecting upon their lives. This outbreak has taught us that we are all equal in the eyes of nature, that the boundaries that humans created cannot differentiate us on the basis of our country, race, or ethnicity. The act of quarantine has given our earth some time to heal from all the damages humans have brought to it (no matter how short the time is). The earth is breathing fresh air. Marine life is slowly flourishing. Pollution is being cut off significantly these days. Life is no more about making money, it is about surviving through this pandemic and helping others do the same. Life is no more limited to oneself. Life, finally, is global. Our pain is global. Our efforts are global. Our faith is global. There is no danger we cannot defeat when the entire race of the most intelligent beings walk hand-in-hand. Yes, it will take time to defeat this deadly pandemic, but once we do we will rise stronger as human beings.

What does it mean to be an international student in a foreign land?

If there is one thing I would suggest people do at least once in their lives, it would be to experience life as an international student in a foreign land. It is the most rewarding experience one can ever have. However, it is also one of the most difficult journeys one can ever imagine.

I am an international student here in the US pursuing Bachelor’s degree in one of the most prestigious universities of the Mid-West – Truman State University. The campus is beautiful and the people here are so warm and welcoming. It has been four and a half months since I have been here, yet it feels like I arrived just yesterday. I vividly remember all the thoughts that hit me on the ride from the airport to the college. What are the people there gonna be like? Will I be able to make good friends with the people I would meet? Will I be able to fulfill my dreams and aspirations studying here? As Michelle Obama often puts her early thoughts into words; will I be enough?

The people I have met until now have all told me how capable I am. I have had so many friends, colleagues, and even strangers-turned-acquaintances tell me how my thoughts about life, aspirations, love, and relationships are unique and special. I trust myself a lot when it comes to capabilities, but there are times when I question my decisions. I feel like it is a part of being human in this constantly changing world. For most part, this questioning nature of mine does wonders to the works that I am involved in. It allows me to explore. This journey of mine as an international student is no exception.

The night before I left, I texted my friends, and family letting them know what they mean to me and what they will always mean to me. I am so fortunate to have known all these wonderfully talented people who are doing great in their lives, and to have the privilege to be friends with them. It makes my heart swell with pride seeing them grow every single day.

When I was packing my bags, I was packing all the memories I had made with these wonderful people, my diary, my photos, beautiful gifts that friends had given me, and a lot more which I cannot even think of right now. All the while, there was a question that was eating me up – is it a right decision to leave everything I have built for myself behind for a future that I am not even sure of? Is it the right decision to start all over again in a land where I am a stranger? Is it the right decision to leave?

Now that it has been some while since I have been here, it is finally the time I say to myself, “Yes, it was the right decision.” I had never been more right about anything else.

There are many things that I know about living and studying in the US. However, there are still infinite number of things which I am not familiar with, which I do not even know that I am unfamiliar with at this point of time. This has been a driving force to keep on exploring. Everyday I learn something new, even if it is just how I could order a drink at McDonald’s, or knowing what Starbucks serves the best, or how I should approach someone professionally, or how I could greet people in the best way. What I have come to know is for someone whose goal has always been to keep on learning, this journey as an international student is a great opportunity. Yet, I also believe that for someone who finds it difficult to learn from the surrounding, or who finds it difficult to acknowledge the changes that is taking place in a positive way, this trail can be full of difficulties. The reason I say this is because I have seen people ruin their lives due to all the stress that comes with being a stranger in a foreign land, and with the realization that one is so far from one’s home. This is a sinking feeling that one should know how to handle. Only then this journey can be fulfilling and awarding.

What I have understood is people throughout the world are similar despite their differences. No matter where we are from we always have a common ground to stand on – humanity. We have unity in all the diversity we nurture. All of us have friendships with one another that have existed for a long period of time- friendships that come to life with a ‘Hi!’. I have also learned to believe that dreams do not necessarily change with the change in situation or surrounding. In fact, this change, when acknowledged positively, enhances the dreams that make us. It is always upon us where we take this journey filled with fulfillment yet loneliness at times, with questioning yet constant reinforcement of the belief in self. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to call oneself an international student, a global student. I cannot put into words how thankful I am towards every single person who made this dream of mine come true, especially my parents.

Sometimes, all of this still feels like a dream. There are days when I wake up and cannot believe that I am living one of my dreams – of studying in a foreign land. Then I look around and see all the wonderful people around me. I see all the wonderful opportunities that are awaiting. I see a whole world waiting for me to embrace it. I see that I made a right decision, and there could not be a more rightful decision. Ever.

The New Classroom

It’s a fine morning and I am headed to my classroom

It’s a fine morning as I said

The sun has not reached the horizon yet

And the sky still has the remains of yellow and red

The grass has a familiar smell

It rained in the night that I can tell

I was getting my headphones on

When I stumbled upon a stone and almost fell

Perhaps I should concentrate on walking

I see my friends walking past

Say hello to some, and keep walking fast

I reach the classroom five minutes later

See the Professor is about to start today’s chapter

I get to a seat, grab a sheet of paper

Finish the journal assigned and decide to submit it later

I was following the professor when my eyes ended up outside

I see that the sun has come up entirely now

I see the squirrels, the trees,

The brown branches, the green leaves,

And like every other day, my mind wanders back home

Perhaps the weather back home is a bit warmer

Perhaps the wind  back home is a bit calmer

How can I not think of them when I know

Its that time of the year when everyone gathers in my home

Surrounded by delicious food, and gifts inside wrappers

This very moment, my little brother may be fooling around with crackers

and my room may be entirely filled with chatters

Of the people who I call ‘family’

‘Family’

I stumble upon the very feeling this word gives me

I stop thinking

I see around, my mind is back from wandering about

I see around and I see faces new to me yet familiar

I see around and hear voices different from mine yet familiar

I see around and feel surrounded

By people who I’ve never met before but who I feel are familiar

To me

Yes, it has only been 2 months since we met

But in these two months I’ve known them enough I bet

I know enough to know that every single one of them

Talks the way I do

Every single one of them

Walks the way I do

Every single one of them

Feels the way I do

Every single one of them

Sees the way I do

I know it in my heart that we are familiar

Yes, we might have different stories

But our differences in stories make us similar

We might speak different languages

But our differences in dialects make us similar

We might follow different lifestyles

But those very differences make us similar

Its been a while since I started wondering

And now I feel a surge of comfort passing through me

Perhaps I do not miss my family back home anymore

Perhaps I should concentrate in the classroom

Filled with people who I now call my ‘family’

A new beginning

I have always been the student who likes to learn, to explore. Learning has never felt enough. This has been one of the reasons that left me wanting to be the student whose learning never ceases, who is free to explore every dimension she dreams of. Perhaps this is why I decided that I wanted to be an international student, and that too not anywhere else but in the land where students like me have gathered from long ago; the United States.

I was in grade 9 when I decided that I would go to the US for my bachelor’s. The very image of sitting in a classroom full of students from all over the world was fascinating. I would spend a lot of time thinking about how it would be; how the people would be, how their thoughts would be different from mine, how they’ll perceive me and my ideas, and what not. The only people in this world who truly inspire me, the Obamas, were educated in this very country. Great minds have nurtured themselves in this place. “There must be something in the way people set themselves free in the pursuit of imagination”, I would assume.

Studying in the United States had always been my dream. Even when I thought of taking break from studying, thoughts about the chances of getting into a US University if worked hard enough brought me back into the game. Today I have made the dream come true. With unending efforts, undying willpower, and untamed support of my parents this day has come to life. How do I feel at this moment? Accomplished.

But now I have realized that this is not just about fulfilling dreams, this is about working to groom the person that I am to be the person I want to be. This is about becoming. Everything starts with a clean slate now. Nobody and nothing owns me. I am free to imagine, free to become. This feeling comes with responsibilty. Yet, this feeling is truly liberating.

An Umbrella

Today it rained heavily. The clouds had never been this heavy so they had to let go like never before.

A girl was walking back to her house when the outpouring started. She had not even reached halfway her home when the winds started roaring, when lightnings started crashing. Everybody on the way was searching for or had already kept themselves under some kind of protection from the rain. She was the only person walking on the road; clothes all wet, makeup all messed up. Did she not have an umbrella? Maybe. Or else why would she not open it?

To the people standing under roofs, the rain was harsh, it fell like hailstones on the shoulders, but to the girl, the rain had never been this gentle before. To those people, the wind was cruel, it carried away boxes and boxes belonging to them, it messed up their hair, but to the girl, the wind was soft like the breeze, that only knew how to whistle in her ears. The feeling of raindrops flowing through her body was heavenly; it reminded her that she was alive and breathing. The roads were all muddy yet grace was what carried her as if she walked on water.

Just before she reached her home, the rainfall stopped. She was all wet until then, and not to forget, for ending up that way people stared at her as if getting wet in the rain was a crime. Did she care about those stares? Not a chance. That would be the least of the things she cared about.

Nearly after an hour of walking, she finally reached her home, walked up through the stairs and entered the hallway where her mother had been waiting for her to arrive. The first thing she received was not a pair of warm clothes but an endless series of scowls for not carrying an umbrella, for being so careless when the weather forecast clearly mentioned that heavy rainfall were to occur that very day. She deserved that for being so reckless. Eventually, she changed to a pair of warm clothes, had some coffee to herself, and started reading the novel ‘Emma’ by Jane Austen.

Just before the dinner she remembered a work that she had to do but had not done. So, she picked up the bag she carried that very day and pulled out an umbrella. Yes, an umbrella. She had forgot to keep it on the rack for the next day. Yes, she had the umbrella all along.

Redefining ‘Love’

Love is to me as prayer is to priest.

Shikha

I look around. I see and realize that the way we define love has become more and more unjustifiable. Is it just two pairs of locked eyes, or intertwined fingers, or racing heartbeat, or sleepless nights that define love? Is it just an intimate feeling? Is it just something that we feel for our partner, or is it something more?

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We all are so busy with our lives today that we don’t really care about the way we love, or the way we are being loved. When I say ‘love’ the first thing that stuck to your mind might have been the assumption that I am talking about how one partner feels for the other. Though this is not entirely correct, this is also not the truth in its entirety. In this writing, I will be talking about all kinds of love, how we define love today, and why it has become so necessary to redefine love.

Love is not just a feeling, it is an action. Many say that it’s not even an action but a choice. It does not really matter how we define love, just a single definition in never enough. Love is one of the most mysterious things mankind has come across, yet this is also one of the most misunderstood ones.

I have my own definition of love, but the definition has no words-I define love with experiences. For a moment, close your eyes and imagine these situations (I know it is difficult so it would be just fine if you imagine with your eyes open); you just saw a small child fall down a step while climbing a ladder; you are listening to your younger one on what mischief he did in his classroom today; you are talking with your grandparent on how things have changed from his time to this time, and you cannot stop smiling; you are sitting across your partner, no words have been spoken yet you feel worlds have passed in the silence and you never want the silence to end, you just want to be there holding hands lost into each other’s eyes. In all these situations, you might have felt something inside you, either something troubling, or something soothing. What you just felt is what love really is. See, it has to be experienced, and this is why it can never be defined just by a few words.

Love is the only inheritance that truly belong to us. When we look at our mother, we feel a sense of belonging, a sense of safety, and these are nothing but love expressing itself in different forms. Later in our lives, we long for the same sense of belonging and safety when we seek a partner. It is something that makes us feel so happy at times, but it is also something that makes us so sad that it leaves us all broke and aching. Nevertheless, love is the most wonderful feeling anyone can ever experience, it is the most beautiful gift to have from someone and to give someone.

It makes me sad when I see people limiting the idea of love within just a few actions; if mom cooks me delicious food today she loves me; if dad brings me a new bike on my birthday he loves me; if my brother brings me a token from his visit he loves me; if my sister gifts me a good set of make-up this time I visit her she loves me; if my boyfriend wishes me good night every night he loves me; if my girlfriend texts me back immediately after I text her she loves me; and what not. Nothing in this world can really be as giving as love itself, yet sometimes we expect so many things to happen to us for the sake of what we perceive as love, we never really get to become receiving towards all that love has to offer.

Love is the most precious feeling and that is why it comes with a price. Not something like we need to pay for something wrong we have done, but to present our gratitude towards the feeling. I often imagine it in this way-Love is a traveler, and we need to offer it something so that it stays with us for as long as we want. I believe that nothing can be more alluring to love than respect and faith. These are often said to be the currency of love. A relationship with little or none of these is destined to fail. Moreover, a person seeking love should also be someone who knows what empathy is and why it is important. Nothing is more valuable than a friend who understands your laughters and tears and also never backs off from experiencing these alongside you. Communication is another important foundation for a strong love relationship. To me, it is always necessary to let my people know what I lack and what my setbacks are. If they stay, they are someone who I hold on to, and if they don’t I don’t find it difficult to let them go. And another thing that I really value is the idea to always make my partner look brilliant, in whatever he/she has been doing. It is also equally important to learn from each other and to find balance, so that when one falls down there is always the other to pick up.

Every one of us has our own baggage in life. When we dive into a relationship, we dive in with the baggage; not with all that belong to us but with most of what really belongs to us. So it is always necessary to know how we have been affecting our partner. When it comes to me, I find it necessary to question self “How difficult am I as a partner?” The answer that comes always helps navigate through relationships.

To me, love is the most explored yet the most contradicted feeling in the world. The idea of love is something that fascinates me like nothing else. Because I treasure the idea so much, I could not see its importance fading away and this is why I ended up writing this blog. Love is what makes me, and I value love like nothing else in this world. I make sure that every moment that I live enriches me with even more love. At the end of the day, I want to make love stay with me for so long that it becomes a part of me.

“Why so serious?”

The number of people who have asked me this question is obviously more than the number of people who have asked my name. It bothered me in earlier days, but now that I have come to know that people mistake contemplation with seriousness, it has become a question worth answering. But before that, if you ever find me serious hell lot of times (because you will, if you stay close to me for long enough) just know that you are always welcome to leave my company; not because it’d offend me, but because I’d understand that your values probably don’t match with mine.

The habit of contemplation-how it started?

I had a pretty rough time during my ninth and tenth grades. Never talked much, and always would stick by my not-so-dear books. Reason-not because I wanted to be a book-worm, but because I never wanted to talk to people around. Every lesson, every day in school was a burden for a number of reasons (which I probably won’t talk about), eventually leading a jolly me to turn to a ‘oh-so-serious’ me. I don’t even remember having one conversation with my friends which I really wanted to continue, not a single!

The seriousness was a by-product of those two years. And the next two years in new high school added to this. But this had to end. The ‘Budhanilkantha School’ happened to me when I needed it the most. I didn’t know it then but now that I look back, I cannot help myself thank that very moment which decided that I’d spend two miraculous years in that very miraculous place. If it was not for the friends I had there, I don’t know in which world I would be right now. Maybe that’s why I never get enough of thanking these people. They probably will never know what they have done without even realizing, but some things are better this way, aren’t they?

Eventually, the seriousness turned into contemplation, and lost faith into hopes. If things had been the same, I’d probably be lost somewhere in my mind right now without even wanting to. And you probably wouldn’t have gone through this piece of writing.

A Feminist?

I am a girl and in the 18 years of my life I have been through incidents that have been disturbing to my sense of being a girl. I have always spoken against misogyny. I have been moved to my core seeing the acts of suppression that girls and women have had to suffer from. I have had innumerable sleepless nights unwillingly picturing the pain of the victims of incidents like the Delhi gang rape and murder, and Nirmala’s rape and murder. Not to forget, the #MeToo movement was one of the many incidents that kept me reminding of the way a woman is perceived in the world we live today, and of the fact of female objectification. Eventually, I ended up questioning myself, “Do I feel the way a feminist does?”

We claim to be living in the time when fourth wave of feminism sweeps across the world. From women’s suffrage to protection of physical rights, feminism has brought unprecedented accomplishments to humanity as a whole. Despite these accomplishments, why was I bothered by the question of whether I were a feminist, or whether I felt the way a feminist does? Was it wrong?

Whenever I see around, I find people coming up with all contradicting, not to mention, ironic definitions of ‘feminism’. Being specific to where I live, allocating a seat or two for women; fulfilling the part of a colleague just because one thinks she won’t be able to handle all the shits (because she is a woman); asking the opinion of a female counterpart on a certain topic of discussion without bothering to ever undertake the idea she proposes is what feminism looks like. The word had become burden to my senses due to these meaningless labels that our society has put above it. These are the reasons why I ever questioned myself in the first place.

Now, I have decided. I am a ‘difference feminist’-one who believes that men and women have same level of ability to do any specific task, yet their physical and emotional capabilities are no where close to being in the same level. A man, is by birth, physically stronger than a woman. A woman, on the other hand, is emotionally stronger than a man. Both of the sexes have their own way of expression and I respect them. A woman is more kind and empathetic, and it is no where close to being ‘weak’. And it is never necessary for a woman to be rude, or arrogant, or seemingly ‘strong’, to be taken as sensible. This is what I believe, and this is why I stand as a difference feminist.

Do my emotions really matter?

“How are you feeling?”

A simple yet intriguing question. I am not asking whether you are feeling ‘good’, ‘fine’ or ‘okay’, rather, I am asking you the state of your emotions right now, at this moment when my words are speaking to you. Are you emotionally intelligent enough to answer me? If yes, we probably should meet.

I doubt if many people can really answer this question authentically. I was in the same pool of people, who were blindfolded on their journey in life. Who knew they were having a hard time understanding why they felt the way they did. Who never thought what values one could have. And most importantly, who never gave this a thought – “Do my emotions really matter? “

I am a girl of 18, and making decisions is something that I do everyday. Some of the decisions that I make affect only me, and some decisions affect the people around me too. In this era where everybody is so busy with their lives, we all know its difficult to empathize with the people around. Nonetheless, this is the same reason why one neighbor becomes so inconsiderate with the other neighbor’s needs, why parents fail to understand their children, why a colleague misleads the other colleague’s intention, why wars begin, why people slaughter each other and many more.

I knew none of the aforementioned things before 5 months . My high school was over and I was looking for something to get myself busy with. That’s when a friend of mine suggested to go to a session that would revolve around the idea of emotions,’Start Here’-An intellectual product of My Emotions Matter. With the desire to know what ‘Emotional Intelligence’ really means, I agreed to participate. The 10-day long session was filled with listening, introspecting, sharing, trying, expressing, and nurturing. Every single day we would be introduced to a whole new way of looking at emotions, at the way one feels. We would dive into oceans of deep thoughts and come out with shining pearls of introspection. Once we were told to empathize the way our shoes, all worn and torn by our daily use, might feel of its situation; to personify the shoes and to ‘be in its shoes’. The other time, we were told to carry out an improv in different scenarios. During the improv I played the role in any way I wanted to, without knowing why I was doing it the way I was doing it. But after the improv, when we were introduced to the concept of ‘driver’, ‘passenger’, ‘generator’ and ‘blocker’, a revelation occurred to me. I realized that I was a ‘driver’-one who would rather create rules than follow the ones made by other,and one who would lead rather than follow. I had always been this person and I never knew. I utterly felt the need to be a ‘generator’-who would lead as a ‘driver’ when needed, and who would ‘follow’ as a ‘passenger’ when the situation demands.

This learning has been significant. Now I feel I am more aware of myself and my needs, which in turn has improved my relationships. Living a life of purpose has been of utmost priority to me now. And I know what my values are and what I really need to grow.

Today, I am a Research Intern at My Emotions Matter. The ones in whose session I participated are my mentors. I intent to prepare myself for whatever comes up and everyday I am growing in a way I could never think of. I have a family besides my own here at My Emotions Matter. Learning something new has always been fruitful and the intellectual space that we have is invaluable.

Now I can confidently say,”Yes, my emotions matter” and why, “because they define me.”